Driving lessons

okay, here's for all you assholes who evidently got your license from your inkjet:

1) when you encounter a single-lane situation - ie, a BRIDGE over FAST-MOVING water in the middle of winter - and somebody or something is in front of you, you ARE supposed to stop until they are clear. that means that if you are driving up my road and you hit the bridge and i'm in the bridge with my border collie and my toddler, you do NOT just "voosh!" past me sending spray all over us. next time, i unleash the dog and i will track you down!

2) for all you guys severely compensating with your uber-big dodge RAMS and SUVs, get your bloody headlights aligned so they're not torching my eyeballs when you're right up my ass! do you honestly think i can see anything when the klieg lights are blasting into my retinae from every mirror and reflective surface i own!?

3) when you're doing your customary 110, 120 in an 80 zone and you encounter me putzing along at 70, don't just ride my bumper and chew your steering wheel. first off, the two or three minutes it will take to reach an area you can safely and legally pass me is not going to make or break your schedule. secondly, riding my slipstream will not save you any gas but the slower speed will indeed economize your fuel consumption (so you should thank me!). thirdly, i can pretty much guarantee that we'll be meeting up ten minutes down the road anyway - either at the lights or as i cruise past while the nice officer is taking down your information.

there are all kinds of reasons why i'm driving so slowly:

- my car is about to pop a crucial rivet and begin dropping bits and pieces
- i'm low on fuel and desperately hoping to make it to the gas station. driving slowly gets you farther because there's less resistance for your car to work against.
- i have a toddler and a dog in the car and they're fighting over a milkbone.
- the dog is trying to stick his tongue in my ear. why? who the hell knows.
- i've dropped the perly's and it's stuck under my gas pedal.
- the weather is CRAP and i can't see SHIT because i'm not driving a honking big metal penismobile with four-mile visibility.
- my toddler has fallen asleep and i want her to nap as long as possible.
- if i get home too fast, it means i have to do the dishes that much sooner.
- there was something i had to do back in town... what was it...?


and so on and so on.

so basically, stfu and drive and never mind driving my car for me unless you are going to provide the vehicle and the live-in nanny.

4) GET OFF YOUR FUCKING PHONE AND BUTT THE FUCKING SMOKES WITH YOUR FUCKING KIDS IN THE BACK SEAT!!!!! oh, honestly - who do you ppl think you are!? you are poisoning your kids' health because "it's my car and i can do what i want" and playing russian roulette with a two-ton bullet because texting "lol i no u r so f'd" is so much more important than the fucking moose that just ran out in front of you!?? are you insane!?

5) if you don't want the dog to chase you, then DON'T SLOW DOWN. just go! if you hit him, whatever! he'll learn next time!