Hate to Burst Your Bubble #002: Your Dog Doesn't Love You

That's the bad news. The good news is that, unless your dog is a psychopath, he doesn't hate you, either. “Love” and “Hate” are human attributes, designed to enhance the survivability of a species born with an auto-destruct sequence already counting down in single digits. Dogs are pack animals - “love” and “hate” does not enhance or foster an atmosphere of cooperation. This is why dogs are great team players and humans suck.

Think about it: a woman – which, for the purpose of this essay, will be used to indicate a female of the human species; the term “bitch”, unless otherwise noted, will indicate a female of the canine persuasion – as I was saying, a woman “loves” a man. The man cheats on her, abuses her, refuses to get off the couch, and spends his time and money drinking. Does she leave him? Probably not: she “loves” him, therefore she is loyal. Now, were a canine pack leader to screw around on his mate (the alpha female, the only one allowed to breed); treat her unjustly and abusively; and spend his time lounging around the cave demanding she serve him rabbit after rabbit; it would be a matter of microseconds before she or the Heir Apparent ripped out his throat and got on with business.

The problem is that in too many human societies, the survival of the woman and her children are not truly dependent on her mate. He doesn't pay the rent? She has relatives and there are any number of victim support agencies to provide the necessary. He doesn't give her money for food? There are food banks and, again, relatives, if she isn't actually bringing in means of her own (which most women these days are). He treats her abusively? Once she gets her head out of her ass, there are legal and social agencies to help with that. In canine society, if the pack leader is ineffective or inefficient, the pack suffers: they lose all or part of their territory to packs with stronger, more effective leaders; young members slip off to join other packs or start packs of their own, stripping the main pack of youthful energy, strength, and vigor; they die by attack, disease, or starvation; and the babies stop coming.

“But what about Greyfriar's Bobby!??” you cry from your wounded heart ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Greyfriars_Bobby ). To that, I say the good burghers should've been shot, one and all. That poor dog was probably the most publicly abused dog in history. His previous owner was not a “loving” owner – he was a calm, assertive, effective, and trustworthy owner, which is why his little companion stayed by his side. When the guy died, Bobby lay down on his grave – why? Obviously at first because he was waiting for his owner to stop playing silly buggers and get his ass out of there but it wouldn't have taken long for his delicate nose to suss out the situation. What happens next? All these stupid monkey people stare at him with pity and sobs and “Oh, look... doesn't it just break your heart?” - they acted as though the dog had died, too, effectively isolating him from the pack! Even worse were the idiots that brought him treats:

“Come, little doggie,” they probably wheedled softly, wistfully, holding out some kind of food. “You can stay with me, you don't need to be here....” but in their hearts and in their minds, they were thinking “Oh, look at that loyal little dog – what a wonderful dog, to love his master with such loyalty!” This translates into doggy language as “I'm a real wussy wimp”, not exactly a character you'd tick at the polls, and then???? The morons give the dog the food! In other words, they rewarded him for laying on the damn grave! Greyfriar's Bobby didn't spend however long it was lying on his master's grave because he was loyal after death – he had been taught pretty thoroughly that he was a dead dog and was just waiting for his body to catch up with the news! Had someone with leadership skills equal to or greater than his previous master's said simply “Come away, boy”, Bobby would've been up and gone without a backward glance.

Okay, maybe one or two.

But then, you wouldn't have your proof that your doggy loves you, would you?